Exhale

When I refreshed my email, my eyes casually glanced at the new text in bold. Peace Corps: Application Status Update. I leaned in closer to the screen as the words, “Oh my God,” slipped quietly from my lips. After double-clicking on the new arrival, the email then linked me to My (Peace Corps) Toolkit where the update would be revealed.

The second my eyes caught glimpse of the word, “Congratulations,” I let out a squeal of joy. And, as quick as I expressed my relief verbally, I was up out of my chair to share the moment. Before my hilarious attempt at a mediocre toe-touch, which must have been stored somewhere in the high-school memory bank as an accurate reaction in celebration, I hugged a couple co-workers with delight.

My level of excitement surprised me a bit. As I felt my heart beating through my chest, I knew I had actually become concerned that this opportunity I had been working towards for a year may not become a reality. Having already said goodbye to one of the student organizations for which I served, and preparing to end my affiliation with another later that evening, the news could not have come at a better time. I was starting to wonder if I would possibly regret leaving my students.

Almost as sudden as I had abandoned my computer and seated position, I moved back towards the screen. Did I read that right? Doubt grabbed a hold of me for just a moment as I re-read the statement, “Congratulations! You have been invited to become a Peace Corps Volunteer.” Lost in relief, I reached for my cellular phone and made the only phone call I would make. Even at eight in the morning, my parents shared my excitement.

That moment of knowing, it seems, was all I needed. With my employer preparing to hire for my position, and my students beginning to seek guidance elsewhere, I was eager to make strides forward in my journey. The location, assignment, and departure details for my Peace Corps service have yet to be revealed. However, I find that I am content with whatever those may be. And while those are soon to be exposed, I also find that I am still enjoying the present….instead of focusing on tomorrow…because there is so much beauty in today. I honestly don’t want to miss a minute of it.

Road Warrior

I stared at the radar map, hoping to see nothing. Instead, I found myself referencing the snow accumulation key, trying to convince myself that a few inches wouldn’t be enough of a concern to cancel the spontaneous adventure. The blizzard warnings, however, made enough of an impact to postpone departure twenty-four hours. By then, surely, the roads would be ready for Rachelle.

Twenty-four hours came and went, and I was on my way to New Mexico. Weather.com informed me that I might face a “wintery mix” between Tulsa and Oklahoma City, but that prediction seemed harmless compared to the previous day’s blizzard. In addition, blue skies and sunshine were forecasted for Texas. So, naturally, I envisioned windows down and sunglasses by late afternoon.

Lost in a sea of white, my windshield wipers were beginning to cease their full range of motion due to the accumulation of precipitation on the windshield itself. Following closely behind a large semi-truck, taking advantage of its snow-cleared tracks, I rolled down the window with hopes of removing some of the packed “wintery mix” from my front shield of glass. As chunks of slush poured into my car and onto my lap, I laughed at my failure to predict this action. Going twenty miles an hour, all I could do was hope that the truck in front of me didn’t exit off the highway before the roads started clearing.

At the last toll booth in Oklahoma, the snow had already begun to clear. This booth was one of two not manned on the main route headed west, and required the same dollar as before. I retrieved four quarters out of my quarter holder specifically created for the state of Oklahoma, also known as a film canister, and threw them in the plastic receptor. And, I waited patiently for the red light to turn green, giving me clearance to continue forward. No green light. Immediately, the following went through my head: I paid, I don’t want to pay again…I need those quarters for the return trip, maybe the machine is broken, I’m not trying to scam the system, I hate Oklahoma’s toll roads, I just want out of this state, no one’s around, I’m going. Then the alarm sounded. Three feet out of the gate and I put on the brakes. I looked up, to the right, to the left, and actually waited for the armed troopers I thought might be hiding somewhere to come arrest me. The words, “But I paid…really!” were already starting to form from my lips. When I realized no one was coming, and I decided that a ticket was likely in the mail, I proceeded on to Texas with some laughter and some ease.

When I opened the car door with camera and ink pen in hand, I had no idea that the next few minutes would find me hopping from dry patch to dry patch throughout the mud field hosting ten Cadillacs buried in the ground. Earlier in the year, during my first road trip out west, I had made a special stop at this very place in Amarillo—the Cadillac Graveyard—to leave my mark as expected. Hoping to find my name still visible on the graffiti-covered vehicles, I instead found mud covered shoes and unreachable cars due to the melting snow from the blizzard the day before. This, coupled with the random television reporter who decided to join me once I was headed towards the cars, hastened my abandonment of the quest and my desire to reach my pit-stop for the night.

As I pulled into the driveway in Clovis, New Mexico, I couldn’t help but admire the moment. For this was the driveway of the stranger I had met during my last journey out west. Since then, we have become friends, and I can’t help but treasure the beauty of the situation. Doors really are always opening around us; sometimes, it seems, we are just blind to the opportunities.

The next few days produced beautiful scenery in two National Parks, and interest in uncovering governmental secrecy of extraterrestrial findings. Carlsbad Caverns left me wanting more with sold-out cave tours and grounded bad flights, but gave me an incredible experience nonetheless. And, despite the eighty-mile-an-hour winds that forced me to stack rocks on the corners of my tent—tricked my mind into imagining creepy experiences outside my tent—and prevented me from summiting the highest point in Texas, Guadalupe Mountains National Park gave me memorable conversations with strangers and rangers, hikes, and a visitor center to charge my cellular phone. Roswell, too, rose to the occasion with alien art, twinkly lights and enough UFO paraphernalia to summon even the most stubborn spacecraft.

But the true beauty of this trip wasn’t found underground, in the mountains, or in the weather balloon myths. It was found on the journey home. As I crossed into the state of Missouri from the land of tolls, I melted into a sincere appreciation for my surroundings. Hills and color never looked so inviting; trees conjured up a joy so intense I surprised myself. Even the Bible verse billboards, staggered with Adult Video store advertisements, made me happy. And when I drove onto the college campus that night for my student organization meeting, I found myself wanting to pause in the happiness…the happiness I have right in front of me…in Missouri…working for a college…working with young minds full of hope and passion. While I think most of this reaction was a result of my future departure and all the emotions associated with it, it definitely triggered an awareness I hope to embrace these next few months.

Waiting to Exhale

I clicked “Send” on the second email and, in the moments following, felt a sudden wave of emptiness. All of the reasons I was still in Springfield instantly vanished; I was on the outside looking in, longing to belong once again. And, just like that, I went from staff member to fan, advisor to friend…and, a few weeks prior, from employed to unemployed by July 31, 2009.

When I applied for the Peace Corps approximately a year ago, I had no idea what to expect, from the process or myself. In May 2008, after a two-hour phone interview, I was nominated to serve as a volunteer in Sub-Sahara Africa teaching secondary English for a program departing in April 2009. Although I would be vested in retirement by late January, April was the earliest I was willing to depart in an effort to fulfill my commitments to the students for which I was serving at the University. Although I knew I had several more obstacles to face before the nomination became a reality, I don’t think I knew quite how long the process could take.

One thing I did know, however, was that regardless of Peace Corps placement, I needed to leave Springfield before another academic year began. Not because I dislike Springfield—quite the contrary-- but because it’s time for me to move on, to be uncomfortable, to be challenged. I have been in Springfield since August of 1998. And, in going on eleven years, I have evolved from student to employee; from friend to wife to ex-wife; from fan to staff member; and from employee to advisor. Needless to say, it’s been quite the journey.

So, after receiving medical clearance, my hope was that I would be departing Springfield by April—July at the latest—and that I would know of my “plans” by the start of the New Year for adequate departure preparations, disclosure, and celebrations. The New Year came and went, as well as the six-week-advance-notice deadline Peace Corps is required to give for all invitations that would have been for an April departure. It was clear, at this point, that my initial “plan” would need some tweaking. The time had arrived, regardless of knowledge about my future, when disclosure of my intended departure was necessary. And so, I disclosed and resigned; giving up a lot of something for nothing, at this time.

I am currently a Priority Applicant for the Peace Corps. The volunteer organization, like many others, has faced recent financial hardships and an increase in competitive applicants. The program I was nominated for filled very early, with mostly health-degreed applicants focusing on the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Apparently, regardless of the global economic status, a postponed departure is a fairly common occurrence. My Placement Officer has recently informed me that she is considering me for programs in the July-September timeframe. Seeing as I will be unemployed in August, July would be nice.

It would not be accurate for me to state that I am confident this plan will become a reality. In fact, due to past experiences, I refuse to react to forecasted opportunities (aka: plans). Instead, I prefer to focus on what I am experiencing in the now. This approach seems to serve me better, affording me happiness regardless of outcome. Should the Peace Corps not work out, “Plan” B is just as exciting; “Plan” B = anything but the Peace Corps, something outside of Springfield, Missouri.

Am I worried that I quit my job in the worst economy since The Depression without another job in place? Absolutely. But am I excited that change is on the horizon? Without a doubt. For me, this decision symbolizes the beauty of freedom and the power of choice. And while I may be risking comfort, stability and security, never taking a chance on change would be worse than any discomfort, instability, or fear I will encounter. Whether my exhale is the Peace Corps or “Plan” B, I am looking forward to it.

Religion and Politics

People are passionate about many things, but two things are certain: religion and politics. Folks know what they believe. And while some are willing to state their beliefs candidly, others tend to keep their thoughts to themselves. But why is that? Is it out of formality? Is it an attempt to avoid conflict? Or is it merely a public relations move to avoid irresponsible judgment that could possibly prevent relationship development, personally or professionally? Maybe just a fear of judgment itself?

There was a time in my life when I would publically state my beliefs. These statements, however, were not ones of pride, but of arrogance and ignorance. My beliefs were “right,” and I was confident of such. As a result, I was quick to lose not only my ability to see, but to hear as well. I was so focused on being “right” that I didn’t stop to question the reasons why, much less learn about others’ beliefs and the reasons for them. It was as if I had a product to sell, and was going to convince you to buy it…or at least admit it was the best one on the market.

Since then, my statements have turned into questions. Questions allow me to learn; to better understand beliefs, behaviors and actions. They also allow me to assess the situation with regard to my own disclosure and whether it will serve as a similar learning tool for another in a dialogue or just trigger a sales pitch and sermon. Unfortunately, I have heard more sermons from those with differing beliefs than I’ve had discussions. I truly believe that once we acknowledge the existence of multiple truths, greater solutions will evolve. The difficult part, however, is getting past the passion; the blinding truth.

So, in an age where self-disclosure is not limited to dialogue, is it wise to do so without explanation? Is the one-line Facebook entry regarding religion and politics a statement for judgment, true or false, or simply a means of truth? What liberal means to one, however, may not mean liberal to another. If someone claims Catholicism, is it an actual belief or one that is followed blindly from upbringing? To the person who claims it, I guess the answer shouldn’t matter.

When I first started my Facebook Profile, I left these two items blank. I thought that I was doing so to prevent false judgment from those I work with professionally; an allowance to judge me strictly on direct interactions. However, now I wonder if it was an action to avoid judgment in general, resulting in possible rejection? So I ask; is it smarter to avoid disclosure of beliefs that, for better or worse, tend to trigger a passionate response, positive or negative, when trying to create a level playing field for productivity and understanding? Or is it simply just a dismissal of self which ultimately leads to misunderstanding?

The Prescription

Lately, my conversations and experiences have revolved around the prescription; more specifically, the “right” way to live. Is there even such a thing? It is my opinion that an ideal way to exist, according to societal expectations, does indeed penetrate the very fibers of our being. But, I do not believe that this image we have been sold is, in any way, the “right” way to live...only a mere sales pitch. One, I am afraid, that makes the world around us operate successfully, although, in most cases, miserably.

The prescription that I speak of is the one that faces college graduates in their last semester, or, really anyone in their twenties: job, husband or wife, house, family pet, kids, grandkids …preferably in that order. This is the very prescription I, myself, once coined as “right.” But what, exactly, is right about it? Stability, security, love, belonging, and purpose all come to mind. It actually sounds pretty good. Then, why is it that this “right” seems to be “wrong” for so many?

Is it the trapping sensation felt when financial obligation commits you to one location and, possibly, one vocation? Is it the predictability and isolation of “forever” with another human being? The exhaustion of parenting that is different from the Norman Rockwell painting? Possibly. But I think that might sound a little jaded. Realistic, perhaps? Maybe.

Without question, there are associations with the prescription that are desirable, but I do not believe it is the prescription itself. A job, at the very least, gives a person purpose; and, if not purpose, financial stability. In a perfect world, it would do both. If, by chance, these objectives could be fulfilled outside of employment, I believe satisfaction could be achieved. Along those same lines, a significant other is supposed to symbolize companionship and love. While I do believe this could work, I also believe that these same needs can be met with other people. It is my opinion that living amongst many provides a more balanced, possibly positive, environment for all human beings...especially children…than an isolating immediate family experience. With the support of many, men and women are lifted of the burdens to themselves and each other as members of the opposite sex, but also as parents. Women help each other raise children and serve as a necessary support system for one another, while men can feel understood and appreciated within their own gender. In short, the community at large benefits from such strength, physical and emotional, in numbers.

Is this concept realistic? As previously mentioned, under current survival circumstances, it is not for the majority. The world, as we know it, works because of the prescription. Communities are built because couples buy houses. Those same couples find work in the area to pay for their house. In most cases, kids follow to create a family. Finances become a huge priority for the family, making the job an even more important necessity. And once the kids are in school, relocation is nearly impossible. It is the prescription that keeps businesses booming and houses off the market. If everyone was free from obligation, personal and financial, there would be significant instability.

It would be irresponsible of me to suggest that the prescription isn’t right for anyone. In fact, I think it works for many. But is it something people choose because it makes them happy, or because they have been told it will make them happy? And how could one really know if it will make him or her happy until he or she experiences it? More importantly, are people limiting their options to marriage, mortgage, and birth children in an attempt to achieve the desirables of love, companionship, stability and family?

While I am certainly grateful to those who follow the prescription, and would never foolishly rule it out, I am hoping to keep the options to achieve my desirables limitless.

My Own Backyard

On the day the 44th President of the United States was inaugurated, I held on to a popular reaction. It had seemed, to some, that this act of ceremonial tradition triggered a difference in the world’s appearance. Some felt that on this day life looked differently, in a positive way. This expression quickly reminded me of my own thoughts not too long ago.

Over the holidays I did some traveling. One might even say that I enjoyed something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. I visited my old place of employment in South Carolina, explored a new city, stayed in other people’s homes, and lost myself in the beauty of the Blue Ridge Mountains. And, as usual, I acquired some miles along the way. It was during these very miles that I found myself dissecting my own reactions to change.

Could it be that the sunset experienced in a new location looks more beautiful than the same one experienced at the place we call home? Are the hills of another state more attractive simply because of their location? The rivers more serene? Time, itself, more meaningful? When I reflect on my disclosed summaries of trips I have taken in the past, I remember promoting the grandeur of all that I had seen with a tone of excitement. The sunsets were, in these testimonies, indeed the most beautiful, the hills were more attractive, and the rivers more exquisite. Somehow, time WAS more meaningful and had to be treated as such.

Could it actually be the change in location that defines these moments more positively in our minds? The newness of the experience? Do we get so wrapped up in the change, and our need for it, that we cloud our vision of its truth? Is it better because it is, or because we need it to be? We want it to be?

When I left Missouri’s borders for the New Year transition, I came back with a new challenge. The challenge to see the place I call home with a new set of eyes; to find the same beauty in the sunsets of Missouri as I can anywhere else in the world…the same inspiration from the hills…the same serenity from the rivers. If I choose to see my state, my own backyard, differently…I believe I will.

Balance

If it’s Sunday, it’s Meet the Press…or, if I slept in longer than usual, that other political show with George Stephanopoulos. Regardless, it is a time for me to watch and listen to those who govern our nation, as well as those who critique their decisions. With green tea in hand, this morning was no different.

As I listened to the roundtable discussion that seemed to jump from one conflict to another, I found my thoughts wandering elsewhere. I began thinking about many of the conflicts facing the world today, not to mention those of our own nation. And, like most, my first reaction was sadness and frustration. But, almost just as instinctually, my second reaction was one of appreciation.

Not too long ago, I had a conversation with an older Korean man who dialogued with me about the importance of good and evil. His basic argument was that the existence of evil allows good to be understood or appreciated as such; the idea that the struggle of life allows its counterpart to exist. And this is exactly where my mind wandered to with regard to all of the world’s advertised pain and suffering.

Is it possible that these very conflicts are necessary for the world to be balanced? While it is shocking, even to me, to advocate this very idea…the idea that peace and violence provide a healthy balance to existence…it also brings about a resolve that is very calming when troubled with the question, “Why?”

When I reflect on the purpose of many that seems to revolve around the troubling nature of things---problem solvers, peace keepers, employees of homeless shelters, civil rights advocates---I can’t help but question if life really would be better without conflict. Would we really appreciate good? Can worldwide peace truly exist? Or is it in our nature to create conflict for a purpose, which may or may not involve balance?

I cringe at the idea of war; I get uncomfortable around guns; and I cry when shown visions of genocide. But, it is my opinion that those reactions are a direct result of their counterparts. Worldwide peace will, I’m afraid, continue to be a lifelong purpose for mankind. But its achievement, if accomplished, will be extraordinary due, mostly in part, to the suffering that preceded it.