Waiting to Exhale

I clicked “Send” on the second email and, in the moments following, felt a sudden wave of emptiness. All of the reasons I was still in Springfield instantly vanished; I was on the outside looking in, longing to belong once again. And, just like that, I went from staff member to fan, advisor to friend…and, a few weeks prior, from employed to unemployed by July 31, 2009.

When I applied for the Peace Corps approximately a year ago, I had no idea what to expect, from the process or myself. In May 2008, after a two-hour phone interview, I was nominated to serve as a volunteer in Sub-Sahara Africa teaching secondary English for a program departing in April 2009. Although I would be vested in retirement by late January, April was the earliest I was willing to depart in an effort to fulfill my commitments to the students for which I was serving at the University. Although I knew I had several more obstacles to face before the nomination became a reality, I don’t think I knew quite how long the process could take.

One thing I did know, however, was that regardless of Peace Corps placement, I needed to leave Springfield before another academic year began. Not because I dislike Springfield—quite the contrary-- but because it’s time for me to move on, to be uncomfortable, to be challenged. I have been in Springfield since August of 1998. And, in going on eleven years, I have evolved from student to employee; from friend to wife to ex-wife; from fan to staff member; and from employee to advisor. Needless to say, it’s been quite the journey.

So, after receiving medical clearance, my hope was that I would be departing Springfield by April—July at the latest—and that I would know of my “plans” by the start of the New Year for adequate departure preparations, disclosure, and celebrations. The New Year came and went, as well as the six-week-advance-notice deadline Peace Corps is required to give for all invitations that would have been for an April departure. It was clear, at this point, that my initial “plan” would need some tweaking. The time had arrived, regardless of knowledge about my future, when disclosure of my intended departure was necessary. And so, I disclosed and resigned; giving up a lot of something for nothing, at this time.

I am currently a Priority Applicant for the Peace Corps. The volunteer organization, like many others, has faced recent financial hardships and an increase in competitive applicants. The program I was nominated for filled very early, with mostly health-degreed applicants focusing on the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Apparently, regardless of the global economic status, a postponed departure is a fairly common occurrence. My Placement Officer has recently informed me that she is considering me for programs in the July-September timeframe. Seeing as I will be unemployed in August, July would be nice.

It would not be accurate for me to state that I am confident this plan will become a reality. In fact, due to past experiences, I refuse to react to forecasted opportunities (aka: plans). Instead, I prefer to focus on what I am experiencing in the now. This approach seems to serve me better, affording me happiness regardless of outcome. Should the Peace Corps not work out, “Plan” B is just as exciting; “Plan” B = anything but the Peace Corps, something outside of Springfield, Missouri.

Am I worried that I quit my job in the worst economy since The Depression without another job in place? Absolutely. But am I excited that change is on the horizon? Without a doubt. For me, this decision symbolizes the beauty of freedom and the power of choice. And while I may be risking comfort, stability and security, never taking a chance on change would be worse than any discomfort, instability, or fear I will encounter. Whether my exhale is the Peace Corps or “Plan” B, I am looking forward to it.